Notes After Therapy Series: Heads up, these are intended to be raw, unedited, and more getting thoughts and feelings to paper rather than perfect, Scripture-based writing. This is a small series of my attempt at sharing my story with anyone else who might need to read these words too.
Back in the day, Shawshank Redemption used to be one of my favorite movies. There were a lot of reasons why, but the one that comes directly to mind is the quote that really stuck with me for a long time, and even now years and years later.
“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” (You can watch the scene here if you want).
I actually have no idea how in the world I remembered this quote existed – I haven’t watched this movie in ages.
But today, as I sat in therapy, it came to mind. I was talking to my therapist about how I’m in a place where I’m tired of riding the roller coaster of hope and disappointment that shortly follows. I’ve come to the place where I’m just tired of trying, tired of fighting against the current in this area of my life. And my therapist said that she noticed I mentioned an interesting concept about how hope can actually be kind of dangerous or risky – too much hope at least. And probably hope in things that can let you down.
I feel like I’m a living, breathing ad for the truth of that phrase – too much hope really can drive you insane. Too much hope can somehow get you to this place of feeling despair and like you’re putting all of your mental energy into getting the thing that you’re hoping for. And when you don’t? It feels devastating, almost like a torture that never ends.
You never think that something good like hope could be so risky, that it could have such a dark side to it.
Truth be told, it’s a lot easier to be more grounded when you don’t get your hopes up. At least that’s what I’m finding lately in these last couple of weeks. I’ve gotten to that place of exhaustion where it feels like I’ve hoped and expected and prayed and done all of the “right” things, and yet, nothing has changed in the area that I’m so hopeful in to begin with. It feels like things aren’t working or that they’re being blocked right and left.
But hope isn’t the ultimate problem here. I guess It’s more what I’ve placed my hope in. I think it’s difficult to navigate that gray area of being hopeful for a good thing but not placing your hope in that good thing.
I’ve been grieving a dream that I thought would be here already. A dream that I thought would come naturally with time. And yet it hasn’t. And all of the patterns and trends of my life for so long only point to one thing for me: that maybe it’s just not meant to be for me.
Maybe I have to start envisioning my life without the dream. What would my life look like everyday if the dream never comes?
Which sounds a bit melodramatic, but that’s where I’ve been lately and I really do feel that way. If the dream doesn’t happen and it’s not going to happen, what will I do? How will I live?
It feels slightly counterproductive to stop hoping for something that you really want. Like giving up. But I think in some ways it’s just letting go. Letting go of a dream that’s not happening the way I thought it would. Letting go of having something I thought would have already been here by now.
Letting go of the hope that it will happen. And that’s not to say that it won’t happen or that God can’t make it happen, it’s just to say that it’s clearly not happening for me right now (or potentially ever), and I have to start surrendering to that as an option. Surrendering to the circumstances that I find myself in right now. Accepting reality for what it is and not what I want it to be.
Truthfully, a girl can only dream for so long without it breaking her heart when it doesn’t happen.
This verse is one I’ve felt such a strong connection with all through these years of waiting and waiting and never seeing the dream come to life.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12 (ESV)
I like this Benson commentary on this verse that says, “The delay of that which a man eagerly desires and expects is such an affliction, that it differs little from a lingering disease.”
All of that to say, while hope is an overall good thing to have and to hold onto, it’s also rather dangerous and risky.
I know that God is a good God and that He can do anything. But when He chooses not to bring about something that you want so badly and have been waiting years and years for, it hurts.
And what I love is that I can express these feelings and disappointments with God. He’s not angry at me or upset with me for sharing how I feel. But I can also declare how good God is and that I know He does have a reason for all things even when it hurts more than I can bear some days. Long story short – it’s okay to hold grief and heartbreak alongside faith and believing in God’s plan and timing.
You don’t have to bury your pain and pretend everything is positive and that all is well.
To end this note, here’s the song that I’ve been listening to on repeat that had me bawling in the car on my ride home from therapy:
“So I will praise You on the mountain
And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way”
-Marissa
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