I can’t lie that lately I’ve been struggling with my sense of self-worth. I know that sounds cliche and too generic, but dating in 2023 will do that to you. Honestly, most things in 2023 at this point will do that to you.
When I hit 30, I felt this sense of questioning about whether I was worth dating or marrying. Whether someone would want to get to know me as a person – all of the different layers that I showed people and the ones that I didn’t.
And the more men that I talked to would show me either one of two things: one, they would be all in upfront – pursuing and trying in any way possible to talk to me and take me out only to start laying low and disappearing after about a few weeks to a month or when I finally agreed to a date. Or two, said men would seem nice upfront but then start to make references towards sex or appearance and attraction rather than trying to uncover more of who I was as a person.
Both of which, if I’m being brutally honest, can wreak havoc on your sense of worth. Your identity. Your confidence in who you are or what you bring to the table. You start to question what’s wrong with you – why do you attract said men? Why don’t you attract those elusive “good ones” that everyone seems to talk about when they’re telling you who to date? I mean, surely since you’re watching so many other women end up in good relationships and marriages those men must be out there. And from there, the math in your head becomes – they must be out there but they must not want me. Or…you quickly add that they’re all taken just to try and make yourself feel a bit better.
Lately, I’ve had a string of dating experiences where it ended in a mix of one and two above. Mostly ending in some version of two.
After said string of dating experiences, I’ve cried multiple times and questioned God as to why He allows me to run into these experiences and doesn’t just block them. What could possibly be the purpose of these? Was it to make me feel worse about myself? To drive me further from Him? To make me angry at Him and men in general? It felt cruel.
I’ve struggled so many times in the last few years to feel that I’m worthy of love. That there will be some man out there who will truly want to know me more – all of me – and not just the superficial parts so he can “jump ahead” to what’s next. I have so many health issues, so many weaknesses and other issues that I know I’m far from perfect and I sometimes think that with all of this it means that there won’t be anyone who will want to take all of it on long term. And if some poor man actually does (ever) come along, will he then feel like he’s been shackled to a burden more than a blessing?
I’m trying to be completely vulnerable here again to not only tell my own story but also so that anyone else who might feel similar can know that they’re not alone in that pain. To feel seen. Because as I work through my emotions and feelings, I want to use it so that others’ lives become better and in a way that will hopefully elevate God.
It’s hard to try and see it this way. I’ve held it in for so long because of shame and embarrassment from it – I mean, who really wants to admit all of this to anyone? And when you feel this way, it’s hard to push forward and keep going despite your thoughts and feelings waging war against you everyday.
As I was doing my daily walk today, there happened to be an older lady who was running and as she was passing me I caught sight of the back of her shirt. Do you know what it said? Remember, this weekend has been ROUGH in terms of self worth and feeling like I’m just someone men use and move on from. Her shirt said, “You are worthy.” No joke.
And I felt that to my core.
So let that ring true for you today too – YOU are worthy.
It may not feel like it and all of the experiences surrounding you might seem to discount that but don’t lose sight of it.
God made you who you are – and yes, there are areas we all have to grow and improve – but don’t ever forget that you are worthy of love. Of finding someone that will pursue and love you like Christ loves the church.
This one might feel cliche but make sure to do what I’m doing today and speak this verse over yourself. Pray it over yourself and ask God to help you truly believe it down to your core even when it feels impossible to believe right now.
Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
If there’s anything you can’t do it’s this: don’t let those thoughts of feeling worthless take over; don’t let them win. You can grieve the bad experiences and cry when you need to but don’t let them win. Keep going! We can do this together, one day and step at a time.
-Marissa
