Is a thing really good if you have to say goodbye to it so soon?
This feels like a thought I keep wrestling with this past year. The almost’s in relationships. The season of life that ends but you never want to let go of it. The friends who you think will be around till your final moments on earth only to find that their time in your life is cut far shorter than that. Good people dying.
None of it really seems fair.
My argument seems to be that it feels so very not “good” to have to experience something so good but then be forced to say goodbye prematurely.
Because then it feels like regret and disappointment and anger all at once. All of the what ifs. All of the unknowns. The grief of what could have been.
Can it ever really be worth it to experience this good thing whatever it might be if it’s going to be snatched away from you? When you’ve come to see it in your future and depend on its existence, yet you suddenly wake up and realize you have to begin a whole new life all over again without it.
And then repeat this cycle an endless amount of times and the pain keeps blistering.
It’s hard not to feel cynical. To view life through that lens. Even when you try to fight it. It’s hard not to be resentful– of all the things that you think should have happened but haven’t. The people who were supposed to be there but weren’t.
And yet, none of that I have control over.
The only thing I have control over is whether I keep showing up. Whether I keep trying. Staying soft in a hard world. Staying hopeful in the midst of an endless cycle of disappointments and let downs.
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